2013 from A-Z – life lessons and the journey

So.. Last night I made it to J.. goofing off on facebook at 2am..
And by popular demand people wanted my learned wisdom, story and hardship all the way to the end.. So here it is… 2013 from a-z, in good, bad, hardships, high ways & steep hills, caught when I was falling, saved when I was dying. I could have gone on more.. Thank you all I could not have survived the year and life without your support and for always pushing me, loving and holding my hand when needed.

Today at 1:49am · Edited ·
If I learned anything in 2013 its
A) who my real and true friends are
B)You have to fight through some bad days, to earn some of the best days of your life,
C) god will give you more than you THINK you can handle but he wont fail you he may leave the water running but he will shut it off. But he is the only one to truly know your strength.
D) you can love someone and it still not work but they will always have that one piece of your heart, this year I sent two children I miss xmas gifts out of that love, but cant be fooled or disrespected in love either
E) don’t ever be fooled by someone who failed you and did you really bad, remove toxic people from your life.
F) there is a life out there, people who truly support you, and it will amaze you the true ones that will help you to be here, when you want to quit.
G) i love my understanding job in my hard times we all have them but mot all understand them.
H) if you say your normal your crazy there is as much normal as there is perfect.
I) will always love my Ranger and Tigers, redwings and blackhawks. Loved the games with friends and plan on making more this year as well as the walk I did for AHA with great supporters.
J) if I was meant to be controlled ao many years I should have come wit a cool rc car remote, with flashy lights!
K) has anyone been listening? Who’s made it this far?
L) no matter how much I try to stop to make sure everyone else is happy, I must learn to be happy as well. I must learn to love myself and its okay to be loved but the wall around my heart is like a force field
M) love hurts and can be heartbreaking even when you made the choice.
N) we all deserve someone who will treat us the way we would expect our daughters to be treated, and not for which we would scold our sons for. I know my dads watching down for me to have that and my mom would be blessed.
O) a personality trait or disorder does not just change itself in a short time, no matter how bad we want to trust and believe it, Its a way of a person, whether be the way they were raised, or a disorder.
P) we can learn to forgive, but that doesn’t me we can always forget or make the behavior allowed in our life.
Q) Our bones can break, but a tongue with no bones can destroy a person with just a few words damaging beyond a broken bone mending.
R) its not as easy to just say life is what you make it, through my disease I have learned i have a lot to work on and recover from that only, medications, professionals and reassurance can help. I don’t expect any one to understand, but wont be bullshitted or a pushover either.
S) I often this year hid in the shadows of doubt and confusion, not letting my sunshine shine bright to see every thing right there in front of me.
T) I always said the last thing to go in me would be my humor, when that did and my sunshine wasn’t brightening, I would know my time was done, after august i felt I died and my shell remained.. This journey is going to take some time to get well. I built huge walls
U) I wish everyday, I could just wake up, put my feet on the floor and say damn that was a bitch. Just as I wish for app my friends and family suffering illness.
V) Embrace life, live,love laugh and most of all love your self as my mom repeats to me daily “i am enough” and so are you. For years I was told I wasn’t enough.
W) a tiger even when you remove its coat will always have his stripes, he may try to cover them in dirt but they are what lies in who he is. metaphorically speaking.
X) we choose who we allow in our lives, fate, trust, and honor decides who stays.
Y) before I ever run back to a past I will evaluate it and even though told or what some think “influenced by friends and family” I am smart and know how to judge a book. Yes, peoe offer their thoughts and opinions but in the end I make the decision.
Z) over the year I tried. I saw for myself many peoples true colors always show under the coat that covers it, wishy-washy and not what they try to convince you they are. They will attack their prey when its most vulnerable and when your big heart is ripped wide open. A open wound to pretend can be sewn together. They know your goodness in you and will eat it from under your flesh. You believe in chances but are no dummy to reality.. Stay a realist, fairy tales only happen in disney movies.

Months too what the hell:

january- hardware removed from hand

February- got own apartment

March – hospitalized for 3 days for infection under incision.

April – still making apartment a place to call home little by little, after released from hospital stay.

May – got cancer ribbons added to my dream and believe wrist tatoos. For my family and friends lost as well as family and friends who survived.

June- got a cat and made trip to my moms

july- depression worsened, admitted myself to springwood, also got new truck.

August- suicide attempt, found by boyfriend, revived on way to ER. admitted to millwood by the state. There one week outpatient 6 weeks met new people who still talk to to cope.

september- started individual therapy. And psychiatrist.. Still going gained 20 lbs from meds and changes.

October- fights with ex about me leaving on his birthday, how I was hurting kids, destroying me as tried to at least maintain friendship but he was too pushy and controlling pushing me away again. Things with boyfriend become distant. I believe in people and some times let them make a fool of me for their pleasure after a second chance.

November – told boyfriend and ex I was in no stable condition to provide a relation ship. What damage is done is done and unrepairable, words unrepairable. Cutting a d disassociations worse than October. Family did not speak to me thanksgiving . Explained and opened up and told boyfriend in beginning when I said “he made me be a affectionate person” was more to make him happy. i show affection in notes and small memories
The punisher revealed even more this month. Ive hurt so many over a years time. I did send the girls Christmas gifts as I loved them as mine anyone true knows that they will always carry two missing pieces of my heart.

December, oh my december.. Still trying to mend or get closure with ex 15 months later, in a weak state so doubted good and bad, let head and heart fight. Many tears, many cuts. Believing everyone gets a second chance, realizing he had his and hearing how he’s changed to realizing in chats they were no different from 2012 or 2011 or ever. Wanting to believe because yes he was my first true love and soul mate of 7 years. There will always be a spiritual commection, but gave friend my password to change so I couldn’t see his emails anymore.. I needed to prepare for a new year. Families for Chrismas, miss my mom.
I’m getting better mentally Nd stabling out with a clearer head, a realist outlook. i still have my dark side as Kelly Clarkson’s song voes

All in all it was a lot of heart ache, more damage, confusion, happiness turned to constant sorrow, like eeyore. Ashamed of cuts a x weight, and attempted suicide, mad I was alive for a long time, hopeless and helpless, naive and stupid . A darkness..

Brings me To tonight:
My first year in 17 years alone, even in single years Ive always had friends around, sick and diagnosed with upper respiratory infection, ear infection, fluid in ears and sever bronchitis. Last this happened it turned to walking pnemonia. I laughed at my self as I drove short of breath pain in my ass from two shots saying I got this, ms. Independant, and yes those of you thinking it.. sTUBBORN. A few years ago I had to play trophy girlfriend suck up my walking pnemonia, run bars every night and tend to two kids and my ex on weekends, I had no time to put me first.. Im the most selfless person you may meet. But Im learning its not selfish to take care of my bealth put that first and not just get over it, suck it up, or get my shit straight.
Selfless- They were my world, the me before me.. I was on a journey of true love and following my dads footsteps with the kids, reLizing, they have a mom, I had a father who gave me up and now to this day I thank him.
5 trips today pharmacy took of my “brOKen mask” praying to god for a new year because hes not starting it out well.. Like I loosened jp a few challenges so hes throwing me another… Testing me , reminding me Im strong and I will be okay and will handle all he throws at me as I have, even when trying to give up my heart and soul survived. I survived, i lived for a purpose.

here at now 11:22 pm blogging and watching karate kid with will smiths son. In discomfort, no energy and winded just going to kitchen, nauseated and a temperature of 100.1 and cant sleep as my mind races knowing Im missing so much in this blog, details important ones, tears falling.

I am thankful for all friends, family and those who promised to always being there being there not just because they were lonely or a bad day and needed me around But to let me know its okay and they accept me flaws and all, CJ for standing by my side as a friend most of all, Showing he respected being just friends with no pressure, for trying to be by my side through it all.. And showing his love would be the same no matter what day of the week, no hate, no wishy washy brain f#cks, genuine and true best friend most of all !!charlie and rick possibly saving my life one night that could have/would have gone to far, because they care, really care and have shown they wont abandon me or make me a convienience.. You ALL know who you are 🙂 those who have been here and all who have not been here through my depression, for wanting to understand but knowing its impossible, my own psychiatrist didn’t know where to start. My friends, family and all those that love me unconditionally and remind me each day “i am enough!”
i am thankful for a job who understands and now even will let me work directly from home if needed.

Thankful for my encounter yesterday in my its a small world after all blog. I know my dad puts people in places or tells the to call me.. i know he does.. My uncle Kenny always knows when to call, when im not having a good day. Dad signals him. Dad watching over me. A man who he rode with many times who was at his wake and funeral. A encounter I wont forget nor the conversation.

Now Im ready.. Bring on a new year, bring back my sunshine, bring back the funny real me.. Bring back my ability to hope and dream, to make life something worth living..